When you're in a serious relationship, compatibility extends to money. A subject that can generate many differences, leading even to separation. So, how to properly discuss money as a couple?

Many of the choices and behaviors that people adopt are influenced by personality traits, dreams, emotions, experiences.

From a financial point of view, they can lead us to a spendthrift personality or to a predominantly tight-knit one (until the relationship with Hagi Tudose).

For example, studies show that extroverts tend to choose smaller but immediate gains instead of delaying the gain to receive something more substantial.

Extroverts, being more sensitive to rewards, are more inclined to spend impulsively, own and use credit cards, save less.

In addition to personality type, parental models are certainly added, which imprint the way we manage our finances. 

If we saw in childhood that the parent preferred not to talk about money or hid the truth about the family's financial situation, it is natural for us to reproduce that behavior.

Avoid speculation

Due to the fact that there was no financial education in Romania, the subject of money being considered taboo, it is difficult and unnatural for us to bring it up.

In addition, the difficulty of approaching this topic is also caused by the fact that money symbolizes different things for each of us: power, control, security, love, etc. It's as if we want things to be self-evident.

But the reality is not like that! A study conducted in 2016 (TD Bank Love and Money Survey 2016) shows that 80% of couples who talk about money at least once a week are happier.

Moreover, 42% of the respondents in the same study mentioned that the biggest mistake from the point of view of finances was not talking to the partner about money in advance.

communication it is what unites, its absence separates or, even worse, leaves room for speculations, scenarios of the mind. Of course, the challenge is to do it gently and constructively, without identifying with inherited mental patterns or being driven by our own fears.

Once we get over the belief that it's a shameful subject, we can approach it naturally, organically, especially when we're early in the relationship.

Of course, at this stage, we can naturally relate to situations that arise: the partner made a different financial choice than you would have made, when you start talking about your own goals and desires, etc.

Once the couple settles down and we start making joint plans—living together, buying a car, going on vacation—we need to make space and time in our shared schedule to talk about money.

It is a serious subject that must be approached seriously. Just as you can't expect a business to work if you don't track income and expenses or have clearly defined goals, family financial peace can't work either.

So, the recommendation is to discuss and work on a common budget. Equally, I think it is essential that, when we feel discomfort related to our partner's financial behavior, we approach the subject gently and transparently, through a conscious dialogue.

Let's share what that thing has awakened in ourselves and what we need to change in the future. The focus in the discussion should not be on blaming the other, but rather on how I felt and what I would like to change.

Only through sharing and communication/listening can each couple heal, transform, build their own healthy financial models. After all, the couple is not two incomes put together and spent as such, but two lives.

Talk about money and financial habits

Inner attitudes and expectations of how something should happen are what can sabotage our relationship as a couple. For example, we grow up with preconceived ideas such as:

the man must earn more than the woman; the man must invite the woman and cover the expenses; we are not talking about money; money is a taboo and dirty subject; we never say how much money we have;

if we have a financial problem, we don't talk about it. These are just archaic mental patterns, inherited or picked up from society. Money is a frequent reason for couples to fight or break up.

More precisely, lack of money can shake a relationship to its foundations. The solution? Transparency in communication, openness to discover and listen to the partner's vision are key elements in this aspect of the relationship as well.

Only by knowing and embracing each other's mental patterns can we transcend them and build something of ours, of the couple, consciously shared by both partners.

Often, at the beginning of the relationship, we are so in love and giddy with our partner that we don't even ask ourselves questions about the financial situation.

And we're also at a stage where we both tend to overspend: on clothes, going out to restaurants, hairdressers, etc., regardless of how much money we have or don't have.

Couples, especially those at the beginning of the journey, are reluctant to discuss money for fear of seeming greedy, too serious too soon, or simply because they find it rude to ask about these personal matters.

Which somehow it is... until you become a settled couple with future prospects and joint plans. And money, like any other aspect such as career, dreams, life stories, etc., is a topic that needs to be explored directly.

It is important to discover your partner's spending and saving habits. Thus, we can ask him: what does money mean to you? What do you like to spend it on?

How do you spend it? Do you have debts? What beliefs do you have about money? How do you manage your budget? These are just sample questions, but everyone chooses their own style.

Being honest about how much you earn, what your fixed expenses are, what your disposable income is, what you're both willing to save for, or how you plan to spend, are essential themes in a long-term relationship.

It can happen that two people with completely different spending-saving habits still make a successful couple. One approach for them is to respect the individuality of each of the partners.

This aspect translates from a financial point of view into: our joint account, my account, your account. This strategy can also be helpful if one partner earns significantly more than the other.

Article written by Carmen Iorgulescu, KEN Academy coordinator, for Psychologies.ro